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Today is the debut of a new weekly feature, “The New Old Gay.” Because the old school gay is fast becoming the new modern man, AKA William theater contributor Ben Rimalower will document exactly how, when, and where everything old becomes new again.

Straddling the line between old school showbiz cheesiness and contemporary short attention span whateverness, Ben is the new old gay. He loves Patti LuPone.

2009 Tony Awards

The good news is the Tony Awards are still gay. Even in this day and age of increasing LGBT visibility in pop culture, few shows can compete with the Tonys’ queer quotient of dancing boys in tight clothes, crying girls in designer dresses, and Liza.

The Tonys this year were not poised to be rife with the kind of instantly legendary “Moment Like This” moments, like last year when Patti LuPone gave her diva-worshippers and haters alike an unforgettable showstopping performance (and I’m just talking about her acceptance speech – “Shut UP! It’s been 29 yeeears!!!” – and don’t even get me started on that balls-to-the-wall “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” ) or the brilliant, hilarious and moving Lin-Manuel Miranda’s brilliant, hilarious and moving rapping of his speech, immediately securing his place in the pantheon of distinctive Broadway stars. Still, though, the gay Super Bowl did not go straight and the 2009 Tony Awards included more than a few moments to satisfy this new old gay.

First of all, there was an opening medley. I’m always super-psyched for a medley, but this shit was seriously odd. Beginning with the Billy Elliotts dancing around, Movin’ Out-style, as Elton John accompanied himself on one of his snoozy showtunes (he didn’t take home the trophy for Best Score, BTW), the pop artists responsible for the music in the shows performed their songs together with the casts, e.g. Dolly Parton got onstage to belt out “9 to 5” with the 9 to 5 girls and Poison’s Brett Michaels got belted by the stage at the end of the Rock of Ages segment. There were weird little excerpts from West Side Story and Shrek and Guys & Dolls (when did Craig Bierko get as fat as Alec Baldwin?) and a particularly bizarre interweaving of Next to Normal’s sexy, un-nominated Aaron Tveit singing “I’m Alive” from his show (sans stripper pole) while Pal Joey nominee Stockard Channing serenaded him with the cradle-robbing classic “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” – who came up with this, Mary Kay Letourneau? On mushrooms? I’m happy to report that Stockard sounded considerably better than she did (and looked almost as good as she had) in Pal Joey. If my fantasy of Martha Plimpton (whose supporting turn stole Pal Joey from Channing) starring in the revival of Mame doesn’t pan out, maybe Stockard could still do it . . . .

Liza Minnelli delivered the penultimate section of the medley, singing from her “Best Special Event” winner, Liza’s At The Palace (as well as every other concert act she’s done in the last 30 years), “The World Goes Round.” So what if she’s lowered the key a few times over the decades (it may actually be an entire octave down from her thrilling high-belt version onscreen in “New York, New York” – anyone?) and so what if she’s taken to filling in space where a note used to be with a jazzy little “yeah, yeah, yeah” here and there? Liza looked every inch the legend in the old black sequined Halston (as opposed to the red one, the white one, or the other black one) and I think the highlight of the night for me may have been her grooving out to “Let the Sun Shine In” as castmembers from all the musicals flooded the stage to join the Hair tribe in a riff or two to button the opening. I think I even saw Liza grab nominated Hair hottie Will Swenson’s ass – who could ask for anything more?

After all that madness, the evening was mostly uneventful. Neil Patrick Harris turned out to be a pleasant and affable, if overly unobtrusive, host. In other Liza news, her acceptance speech was predictably disoriented without any real camp value, although she provided a second favorite for me and displayed generous sportsmanship when singled out in the audience during Rock of Ages’s overreaching introduction to a kickass rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing.” (I haven’t seen Rock of Ages yet, is the show itself that self-referential?) Winning her 5th Tony, Angela Lansbury was all class in a too brief thankyou that probably left even the haters missing Patti LuPone’s 2008 grandiosity. There were the usual scripted jeers (presenter Frank Langella’s schtick about the ignored shows of the Fall Season) and unscripted tears (weepy West Side Story winner Karen Olivo). The craziest thing outside of the opening medley had to be Next to Normal winner Alice Ripley (winning for her tour-de-force as a bipolar woman). The talented Ms. Ripley’s over-emoted call-to-arms acceptance speech (defiance speech?) pulled the quirky switcheroo of turning out to be about the fine art value of musical theatre. Aw… You can’t not love her – onstage or off, crazy or insane.

There were a few good performances from the nominees – Chris Sieber’s Shrek number was especially entertaining. And there were more disappointments too – Liza never got to sing a whole number and Jane Fonda didn’t mention twitter or even seem to have her blackberry with her onstage at all. Maybe she was thrown by losing the Best Actress trophy. It did seem kind of unfair – what does Marcia Gay Harden need with a Tony? The Oscar didn’t do much for her career.

All in all, I think I come out on the fence regarding the whole “The Tony Awards broadcast sells it soul to get ratings thing.” I mean, it is kind of offensive that a prize as important as Best Book of a Musical gets handed out pre-show before the cameras roll, but I appreciate the desire to reach new audiences across America with flashy, star-studded production values. I just don’t think people turn on an award show because some random B-List celebrity is presenting an award. The Tonys are at their best, in my humble opinion, when they showcase Broadway at its gayest and grandest. More medleys please. Like the fabulous Rosie O’Donnell/Betty Buckley/Jennifer Holliday/Patti LuPone opening number from 1998. Sorry, dolls, no linkage.

The show ended, literally, on a high note with Neil Patrick Harris singing fabulous new Shaiman/Wittman lyrics to the tune of “Tonight” from West Side Story.
…THIS SHOW COULD NOT BE ANY GAYER
IF LIZA WAS NAMED MAYOR
AND ELTON JOHN TOOK FLIGHT
THE CURTAIN FALLS
I’M OFF TO HIT SOME BIG TONY BALLS!
GOODNIGHT!