AKA William

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Before seeing “Watchmen” this weekend, I asked, How Much of Billy Crudup’s Blue Penis Is Enough? I have deeply loved Billy Crudup for many years, and no matter if his on-screen penis were to be CGI or a penis-double or whatever, if it was making a film appearance, I was going to see it. So, for me, any Crudup penis is exactly enough.

Then I saw the movie this weekend. It took the combined power of the Crudup blue penis AND the very real Patrick Wilson bare and meaty ass to make “Watchmen” memorable at all. Having not read the graphic novels, I knew just the bare-bones of the story. And I have to say that “Watchmen” was unmemorable.

I did love the recasting of American political history. And I liked how Patrick Wilson’s character was set up as a counterweight to Billy Crudup’s character, but the movie never seemed to launch itself from its own story architecture into the telling of a real story.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about the movie. But I have lots more to say about the Crudup-penis and Wilson-ass of it all. Plus a quick video of Billy talking about his . . . penis.

In the “Comments” section here on AKA William, a reader wrote to remind me that the penis was, in fact, computer-generated. Here’s what I replied:

However it made it to the screen, that blue penis was a work of art. I saw “Watchmen” this weekend, and Dr. Manhattan’s penis was the best part of the movie. We all know there are some really ugly dicks out there, so it was a relief that this one was a thing of beauty. The CGI guys made sure to lovingly craft a large, flaccid, and blue (and I’m almost positive uncut) penis that constantly looked like it just stepped out of a warm jacuzzi. Those animators must have been gay because they sure know their penises. The second best part? Patrick Wilson’s meaty ass.

Oh, and the movie itself? Despite all of the nudity and violence and intellectual heft behind the story, the whole thing was oddly forgettable.

But, a gorgeous blue penis combined with a meaty booty and a fat upper lip (Patrick Wilson’s asymmetrical lips do something very special to me) made the movie very much worth my two hours and forty-five minutes.